Updated: Mar 24
My birthday this year came with some unexpected bangs. My plan to celebrate was to drink Ayahuasca (surprise, surprise), and in the lead-up to my private ayahuasca ceremony, I just wanted to rest.
Life had other plans in store for me. Four days before my birthday, I had to move out of the house I was living in from one day to the next. Aside from all of the physical energy that entailed, I had to feel and sit with all of the emotional movement that came with the surprise.
Being who I am, I wanted to study this situation, to ‘complete the Gestalt’, as my teacher says. And well, Ayahuasca is a great companion for deep personal study, so on my birthday Grandmother Ayahuasca and Mercedes accompanied me on this endeavor.
I won’t bore you with the workings of my inner world, but what I will share is that this private Ayahuasca ceremony was an opportunity to look at myself in the context of relationship dynamics, and to gain more awareness of myself in that regard. It was a real deep dive into a shadow aspect of myself that I had not faced before in such an honest way, and while at times it was uncomfortable, or cringe, as I like to refer to the shadowy aspects of myself, it also felt really good to be able to go there. Ayahuasca took me to a new depth within me, and with that, so many opportunities to integrate what I learned about myself in my day-to-day life with the people I am in relationship with. It kind of feels like playing old-school Mario on Nintendo and unlocking a new level. It’s both exciting but also gets increasingly challenging. I am, however, one who is up for the challenge because the prayer for myself is to think, speak, and act from my heart and a place of love, always.
Recently, communication and relationship dynamics have been super top of mind for me. Communicating, and being honest and vulnerable in my expression is not something I have historically been strong in. One of the things that I could see from the experience of my expulsion was that there was a part of me that saw a need to have some difficult and likely awkward conversations with the owner of the house, but I shied away from it. Partly because I didn’t want to take on this emotional labor, but also partly because I wanted to avoid the consequences it would bring. But, the other thing I was reflecting on during my private ayahuasca ceremony is that while it wasn’t an experience with the most ‘celebratory’ feel, for me, celebrating life means taking responsibility for it. I strive to live and be as authentic as possible and with that comes the need to accept the consequences of being that way, both the good and the challenging.
So 34 started feeling a little raw, but in a good way. I always appreciate the gift it is to get to know myself on a deeper level (even cringey me), and to come back to this reality with greater awareness so that each time I can be a bit more authentic despite the fear more honesty and more vulnerability bring, and a better human because I am the only thing that I can control in this world and my wish is that each imprint I leave in every moment be the best it can possibly be.
